i can't do anything except be in love with you
by softjily
Summary: five times James forgot he and Lily weren't dating and one time he didn't care


HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY MISS MARIEKA!

i know i'm 10 (or 11 idkk) days late and everything but,,,,, i have no excuse i just suck and didn't manage to finish this in time so hopefully this is good enough to make up for it?

i just love you so much and you're so special to me it's actually ridiculous. you're pure LIGHT and everyone should aspire to be like you just like i do.

i.

James and Lily's friendship came as a surprise to pretty much everyone at Hogwarts.

From teachers to students to the living paintings on the walls, everyone was talking about it and trying to either understand how it happened or take bets about when their first fight would happen and it would all be over.

Indeed, the friendship _was_ fragile and James was so, so afraid that everyone was right and eventually he'd screw up and lose her for good.

His mind was constantly battling itself, telling him to behave and not say or do anything _stupid_ for once in his life, fighting off the urge to reach out and hold her hand or tell her she looks absolutely gorgeous every single day.

The first time he loses a battle, they're holed up in the library trying to finish a project due the very next day, and she's not cooperating.

"C'mon, Evans. McGonagall is gonna kill us if we don't finish this on time," and it's so funny, because for once in his life, _he's_ the one asking _Lily Evans_ to do her work, and not the other way around.

She groans, lifting her head from the open book in front of her just enough so she can shoot him a look. "Why don't you do it and I'll just sit there and look pretty while you turn my hair blue and give me a tail or something?"

"Well, would you look at that," he tries to sound disapproving, but the effect is lost when he can't contain a smile from coming out. "I don't think our teachers would be happy to see Hogwarts' next Head Girl slacking off and taking advantage of an innocent classmate like that."

Her only response is to let out another long groan, slowly lifting her head and torso in a way that makes it seem like it's the biggest effort or her short life.

"Okay, what now?" she sounds like a grumpy child and looks positively ridiculous with most of her hair draped over her face and a slight pout on her lips.

It's out before he can filter it out and throw it in the _things you should definitely not say out loud_ folder in his mind.

"You look so cute when you're grumpy like that."

He feels like sticking out his arm and physically taking the words back, as if he can reach them mid-air before they get to her ears. Of course, it's impossible to and Lily immediately straightens up.

She refuses to meets his eyes, cheeks turning bright red and blending with her hair. James knows he has to say something - _anything_ \- to make the awkwardness go away and _what if she goes back to hating me oh my god oh my god_.

Thankfully, Peter enters the library just then, spotting the pair and making his way to their table. He's oblivious to the fact that his friend's brain has turned to mush and that Lily has apparently lost her ability to speak, so he drops on the seat beside James with a sigh.

"Hey, where are you on the potions homework? I literally have no idea what this bloody Golpalott's Law is."

Lily jumps at the opportunity to divert the subject. "I'll help you!" her voice comes out slightly shrill, but she pretends not to notice as she gets up to sit on the chair next to Peter, still refusing to look at the dark haired boy.

James is so relieved for Peter he could actually kiss him right now. He lets out the breath he was holding and mentally punches himself in the face for being so dumb.

ii.

Thanks to James and Lily now being friends, the Gryffindor sixth year is now one big inseparable group. The Marauders and the girls hang out every day after classes, on the weekends, and occasionally when their free periods match.

The day in question was a case of the latter, and Sirius, Lily, Marlene and Remus were lounging by the lake pretending to study when they saw James heading their way.

"Oi mate! Took you long enough, what did Minnie want?" asks Sirius, who wouldn't stop wondering about it out loud for the past thirty minutes.

"She asked me to start tutoring some younger students. Since I'm the best in class, you know," he says with an exaggerated cocky smirk and his friends collectively roll their eyes. "So I said yes and we started sorting through my schedule so it wouldn't get in the way of me being the _captain_ of the quidditch team, you know."

The group groans in unison, dropping comments like "who even invited him?" and "can he go back?"

Meanwhile, James laughs and scans the floor, looking for a place to sit comfortably. He finally decides to sit down right in front of Lily, leaning back to that his back is pressed to her chest and his head lies just beneath her chin.

Remus, Marlene and Sirius all stop talking and just stare at the scene, exchanging looks as he gets comfortable and sighs contently.

Lily raises her eyebrows and looks down at the messy haired boy sprawled before her with an amused smile. "You good?"

"Hm? Yeah, sure. You?"

She doesn't look up. Not at their friends, not at the Hufflepuff girls sitting to their right or Eddie Bones walking past them.

No, she looks at James and nods twice before relaxing against the tree trunk behind her.

"I'm alright."

iii.

Lily's not eating breakfast with him today.

She'd already left the common room when he descended the stairs from his dormitory, but he didn't think much of it.

Sometimes Lily liked to wake up earlier so she could get some work done between bites of toast and gulps of juice, it was nothing out of the ordinary. He just had to get to the Great Hall and join her, like he always did.

Except when he gets there, Lily is seated all the way down at Ravenclaw's table talking to Benjy Fenwick and _laughing_ and _blushing_.

So that's how James finds himself angrily stabbing at his poached eggs until they're a sad mess of yellow and white. He looks down when he can't feel his fork puncturing anything anymore and grabs another egg, resuming the movements once again.

It's not that he doesn't _like_ Benjy, he does. He's a great seeker and he's actually a nice guy, all things considered. The thing he doesn't like is the way he's leanin.

"What if we just turn him green already?" Sirius' voice finds its way to his ears but he doesn't look away from the redhead Gryffindor. "I mean, it won't make much of a difference, but it'll be fun, at least."

Remus and Peter snicker, and Marlene is already pulling out her wand when he finally turns to look at them, pushing his plate forward with just a little too much force.

"I don't know what you're talking about. And Marls, put that wand down, for fuck's sake."

"Uh huh, sure you don't," Marlene teases, putting her wand in the folds of her cloak.

"Prongs, just go over there," that's Sirius, and upon seeing James' incredulous expression, he nudges Remus. "Tell him, Moony!"

Remus looks unsure, but can't help but partially agree with Sirius. "Well, he's gonna back off for sure, if that's what you want."

And it's like all James needed was this minimal encouragement from Remus. He was the smartest Marauder, so he couldn't be wrong, right?

Luckily for him, the girl sitting beside Lily gets up to leave just as he's halfway there. He smoothly slides on the seat the girl - Holly Pertinger, he thinks - and puts his hand on the small of Lily's back just as Benjy is in the middle of a sentence.

"Yeah, we should go to Hogsm-" he doesn't get to finish the word

"Hey, Lils! Are we doing homework together later? You know you're the only one who can teach me potions," Lily stares at him with a confused expression, clearly trying to mask her annoyance.

"Uh, sure," Benjy is looking at him and his arm casually resting on Lily's waist with a frown.

"I'm sorry, did I interrupt something?" he feigns being confused, a Lily's eyes narrow in a way that tells him she's very much aware that she knows what he's doing.

"Not at all," the Ravenclaw is still frowning, even as he gets up from the bench. "I just remembered I forgot my Defense book in my room, so I have to go get that. Bye, Lily, bye Potter."

Lily watches him go and waits until the door to the Great Hall closes before smacking James on the head and taking his hand off the waist.

"What the hell, Potter?"

It's the use of his surname that makes the alarms in his head start ringing wildly. It's been months since she's called him anything but James.

"Ouch, Lily! What did I do?"

"You know damn well what you did, asshole," she's really really mad and James is starting to question Remus' wisdom after all. "What? Are you jealous?"

"No, of course not!" did she sound hopeful there for a second or did she smack his head a little too hard?

"Whatever, just stay out of my love life, ok? And I'm studying with Alice," she says the last part while getting up, shooting him an annoyed look before storming out of the Hall.

He looks across the Hall at his friends, and they're all laughing and giving him thumbs up, as if that's the outcome they were hoping for.

He grabs his bag and drags himself to his previous spot beside Sirius.

"Thanks for nothing," his voice is dry and full of sarcasm.

Remus holds his hands up. "I said he would back off, not that she'd be happy about it."

(He spends the rest of the week hiding from Lily and her rage, focusing most of his energy on quidditch when he's not tutoring third years and doing his own studying - in his room, so he doesn't run into her at all.

He's alone in the quidditch pitch shooting quaffle after quaffle at the hoops, skin glistening with sweat under the hot april sun, when Lily marches up the stands and all but screams at him.

"What, are you avoiding me now?" she has her hands on her waist like an impatient mother.

He fights a smile as he flies over and hovers in front of her. She doesn't let him talk when he opens his mouth.

"You're not getting rid of me that easily, James Fleamont Potter," not even the use of his surname is enough to make him stop smiling. He's unable to think of anything besides how utterly _stubborn_ she is.

She eyes his dirty and sweaty clothes and makes a face, feigning disgust, all the while thanking every single divine being in existence that James wasn't a legilimens and therefore couldn't read her less than innocent thoughts about his current rugged and sweaty state.

"Come on, get cleaned so you can take me to the kitchens for a snack."

"Yes, ma'am," he salutes her like he's in the army before taking off to the locker rooms, that damn smile fixed on his face.)

iv.

Save for the times one or more of them has a date, the Marauders and the girls always go to Hogsmeade as a big group, talking over a large booth at the Three Broomsticks and being as loud as they can be.

Today is one of those days when none of them has a date - except Alice and Frank, who live their lives like it's one big date - and they're cramped in a small booth because Sirius was late, which means the Marauders were late, which means _everyone_ was late and they missed their big booth.

Alice was in Frank's lap, Marlene was in Sirius' - were they a thing? James made a mental note to ask one of them - and Lily was squished up between Remus and James, the latter taking the opportunity to hug her close to him as a way to "save space". Not that she minded, really.

Eventually, they get tired of the heat and the tight space and decide to leave and wander through the village. Lily drags James with her, promising to go to Zonko's if he accompanies her in her quest to find the perfect quill. The pub is so crowded that she has to take his hand for fear of losing him in the sea of people.

He doesn't let go of her hand, even though both of their palms are sweaty and the streets aren't nearly as crowded as the Three Broomsticks and there's no chance of them losing each other.

They're about to enter the shop when they bump into a dark haired woman dressed in muggle clothing. Lily's never seen her before, but something about her seems familiar enough that she does a double take.

James does too, and then he's opening a big smile and dropping Lily's hand to give the young woman a big hug. "Andy! What are you doing here?"

The familiarity they share bothers Lily, but she doesn't know why. What is this girl to James?

The feeling doesn't last much, because soon he's asking about her _husband_ , Ted, and "how's the baby?" and Lily realizes for the first time that "Andy" has been cradling a small baby bump under her baggy band t-shirt.

And it's only when she asks about Sirius that it clicks in her mind that that's _Andromeda Black_ , Bellatrix's sister and Sirius' cousin that ran away to marry a muggle and was disowned.

 _Oh._

James seems to remember Lily's there, reaching for her hand once again and pulling her to his side with his ever present smile.

"Sorry! Lily, this is Andromeda, Sirius' only good cousin," this makes both girls laugh and Andromeda rolls her eyes. "Andy, this is Lily, my girlfriend."

For a few seconds, he doesn't realize what he did wrong.

Andromeda raises her eyebrows and her eyes jump from Lily to James to their joined hands and back at James, a small smile on her lips.

Lily's hand tenses up against his, and she distances herself from him, eyebrows almost reaching her hairline and an expression that's part shock, part amusement.

Their reactions make absolutely no sense to him.

"Wow, James. I didn't know you'd gotten yourself a girl," says Andromeda, and all at once his brain processes the words that came out of his mouth ten seconds before.

"No, it's- we're just friends," but Andromeda doesn't seem convinced and Lily doesn't know wether to help him or laugh at his awkward attempt at correcting himself.

"Uh huh. Anyways, where is Sirius?"

"He said he was gonna swing by the Hog's Head, we heard they put a cooling charm there," Lily says, because James has lost the ability to speak.

Andromeda says her goodbyes and James finds his voice, desperate to make it right. "Lily, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that," she's nodding along, lips pursed to keep the laughter in. "I meant to say you're my girl- sorry, my friend. A girl who is a friend. Not my girlfriend."

She finally takes pity on him and laughs, confusing him even more than before. She tugs on his hand and drags him to the quill shop they were headed to in the first place.

"Come on, _boyfriend_ , you promised some quills and I intend to claim them."

v.

"What do you mean I wouldn't make a good quidditch player?"

"Lily, you missed your mouth when you tried to eat toast yesterday," James deadpans and their friends snicker behind juice glasses and tea cups.

Lily looks at him in shock and a little embarrassment. "I thought no one had seen that," she mumbles.

"Oh, and what about that time dropped that inkpot all over McGonagall?" Mary teases.

"And that one time she forgot she was holding a glass of juice and we asked her what time it was and she just turned the whole thing on her lap to look at her watch?" Sirius can barely finish the sentence without giggling like a crazy man.

And all at once it turns into all of Lily's friends swapping stories about Lily's clumsiness while she sulks into her toast and eggs, carefully nibbling on her food, lest she misses her target again and they never shut up about it.

James thinks she looks adorable like this, but he knows what happened the last time he voiced a thought like this, and he's not about to make that same mistake again.

"Okay, okay! _I get it_ , I'm a klutz," Lily bursts out when she's had enough.

"Sorry, sorry," Marlene says, clearly making an effort to not laugh again.

"'Cause it's just like cooking, and I used to do it all the time with my mom," she says with a shrug.

"Huh. Makes sense, I guess," says Mary, returning to her own breakfast.

"Oh, shit," James swears, gathering his things in a hurry.

"Where are you going?" asks a confused Lily. It was a saturday, so none of them had classes to attend.

"Don't sound so sad, love. It's just a meeting with McGonagall, I'll be back in a few."

"Yeah, however will poor old me live without you by my side all the time?" she rolls her eyes and then slaps his hand when he steals a piece of toast from her plate. "Hey, leave my food alone!"

He munches on the piece and sticks out his tongue, showing her the chewed up mess on his tongue.

"That's disgusting, get out of here."

Their friends are all both used and tired of these interactions, so they get back to their breakfasts and conversations.

That's when everyone but Marlene, who was talking to Mary but facing Lily, loses the exact moment James leans down and drops a quick kiss to Lily's lips, grabbing another piece of toast, turning around and heading for the doors like it's something he does every day.

Lily sits still with her lips partially open, unblinking and starting to turn red. Marlene looks close to getting whiplash from the amount of times her head turns from Lily to James and to Lily again.

The rest of the Marauders are blissfully oblivious to what just happened, and Mary only stares at Marlene in confusion, wondering if her friend was jinxed to turn her head around and round like that.

James makes it about halfway down the Gryffindor table when it hits him.

"What the fuck happened?" Mary asks, finally giving in to her curiosity.

James stops in his tracks but doesn't dare to turn around.

"Oh, shite."

vi.

"Lily, shush!"

The Head Girl's giggles bounced off the narrow walls of the secret passageway, and the Head Boy was frantically glancing at the enchanted map in his hand to check for the thirteenth time if Filch was nearby to catch them.

"Sorry, I just keep thinking about Marlene falling face-first in the snow and I can't control it," she can already feel a fresh batch of giggles climbing their way up her throat, so she purses her lips to keep them in.

He turns his lit-up wand in her direction, trying not to get distracted by how beautiful she looks with her cheeks red from the cold - or maybe it was the shot of firewhiskey they had earlier - and her eyes shining with the possibility of being caught sneaking into the castle at three in the morning.

"Okay, the map says the coast is clear, let's go," he wordlessly cuts the light shining at the tip of his wand.

James sticks his head out of the passageway, looking both ways just in case he missed something on the map. Lily finds his hand in the dark, gripping it firmly even when they step into the dimly lit corridor near the kitchens.

James starts to walk fast but Lily pulls him back halting both of them to a stop. He turns his head back, looking at her with a puzzled expression.

"We don't have to rush back, you know. You have the map, we're not getting caught."

And suddenly all he can focus on is the weight of her hand in his and how perfectly they fit together.

And then he's nodding, waiting for her to take the lead this time. He expects her to let go of his hand, but she just grips it harder when they start walking, silently asking _him_ not to let go.

"You didn't have to come back with me, really," she says, their hands swinging a little between them.

"Of course I did," he scoffs. "I'm not taking any chances after what happened last month."

She represses a shudder running through her spine. "Do you think they'd try anything again? So soon?"

He doesn't have to think for more than two seconds before answering. "I don't think they'd hesitate if they saw you alone. Or any muggleborn, really," the quiet rage in his voice makes him sound older, beyond his seventeen years of age.

She's silent for a while, digesting the words and thinking hard about what life will be like for her and her friends once they graduate and leave the safety of Hogwarts. James' thoughts mirror hers, his mind working fast to think of different scenarios and how none of them seem particularly good.

"Well, thank you."

He words break the hurricane of thoughts spinning around in his brain. He looks at her profile, the soft curve of her nose and the few freckles covering her skin, barely visible in the torchlight.

"What for?"

"For being there. Being here, right now. For caring about what happens to me, basically," she likes to think that she's strong enough to fight her own battles, and most of the time she is. But one thing she won't allow is for her pride and stubbornness to make her dumb.

She learned that it's okay to ask for help.

He gives her hand a squeeze. "Anytime, Evans."

The rest of the walk to the Gryffindor tower is smooth, as James knows all the secret passageways and has the map in hand to guide them through a safe path.

The Fat Lady is definitely not happy to be woken up at nearly four in the morning, but a few quick flattering words from James convince her not to tell any professors about what she saw.

"Oh, thank God," Lily lets out a breath of relief, letting go of James' hand.

"What?" he misses the warmth of her palm against his own.

"There's no one here to see the Head Girl and Boy sneak in in the middle of the night," he can practically hear a 'duh' at the end of the sentence. "Oh, imagine the rumours."

He laughs a bit, thinking about how the entire student population would probably be talking about it by early morning.

"Are your heading up now?" and he's thinking _please say no, please say no_.

"Yeah, I think so. You?" it's a shame he can't read her thoughts right now.

"I don't know, I think I'm gonna hang in front of the fire for a while," he should really get his eyes checked again. He could swear she looked like she was waiting for him to invite her to stay with him.

Did he imagine it?

"Well, okay then," maybe he should get his ears checked too, 'cause he doesn't think it's his mind playing tricks when her voice comes to his ears laced with disappointment. "Goodnight, James."

She takes a few steps towards him, stretching on her tiptoes to place a soft kiss on his cheek before turning around to head to the girls' dormitory.

It's a split-second decision, one of those he trained his brain not to make around Lily. One second he's watching her walk towards the stairs, the next he's grabbing her hand and pulling her back.

Her eyes widen at the sudden proximity. "James, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to give you five seconds," he begins, voice hoarse and hands firmly placed on Lily's waist. "Five seconds to pull away, and if you don't pull away in the next five seconds, I'm going to kiss you."

He doesn't know if it's five seconds or five years that pass by while he looks into her eyes, watching the expression in them change gradually. It goes from shock to confusion at his words, then understanding and finally, _finally_ acceptance.

James doesn't hesitate or wait for Lily to change her mind, and in a fraction of a second his lips are on hers and her hands are in his hair and there's only the sound of their breathing as he backs her into the arm of the sofa.

He feels her smile into the kiss, and he can't help but smile too. The problem is that smiling while kissing is quite impossible, so they end their kiss, once again filling the cozy common room with labored breathing.

"What are you grinning about, Evans?"

She gives a breathless chuckle, lifting her eyes to meet his. "Just how it took you long enough."

He leans back with raised eyebrows. "Oh yeah?" she nods, and he's momentarily mesmerized by how red her lips look. "I thought we were supposed to be just friends. I thought that was what you wanted."

She frowns up at him for a few seconds, and then she opens up a smile on her red red lips.

"James, we're definitely not just friends," she says, already leaning up to press her lips to his once again.


End file.
